8.00 am: A communion. A demarcation. Sometimes the head is well in advance of the heart where decisions are concerned. When reason dictates, the heart must follow (eventually). Disciplining the emotions is desperately demanding; feelings and desires are hard to relinquish and subdue without stern measures. They need to be starved or else beaten into submission. Likewise, delusional thinking, misplaced optimism, and false hopes must be identified and vanquished. But getting to the roots of self-deception requires time, kindness to oneself, and patience. Forward march!

8.45 am: A surveyed the landscape of the day: teaching, admin, preparations for the week ahead, and medical matters (both today, and somewhat further down the line). (‘Do not be anxious about anything.’) 10.20 am: Medicalisation at the surgery. I came away with less blood, more anomalies, and further appointments. It’s wise to keep on top of things. (My ancestors had a short shelf-life, on the whole.) 11.00 am: Back on the teaching, research, and further medical admin trail. There were a great many ‘smalls’ to wash: tasks that were bitty but didn’t take too long to dispatch. It’s the sheer complexity of things, these days, that’s the challenge. I’m suspicious of systems of management that detract from time spent at the point of delivery.

1.15 pm: After an early lunch, I headed to the School for a full afternoon of third-year painting tutorials, plus a 5.10 pm lecture for Professional Practice. I was dogged by a profound tiredness and mild disorientation. (Pace. Pace.) I sensed the beginnings of the annual ‘mild-panic’ in the studio, which emerges when students hear the ticking clock of the weeks passing as they lurch towards the exhibition (now, just over two months away). Anxiety and worry tend to paralyse rather than motivate. The call of the hour (my end) is to encourage realism, determination, a trust in their ability, good time-management, and a steady nerve. A focussed and concerted effort will get them there.

(Pace. Pace.) By the middle of the afternoon, I began to pick up a little. A build-up of intolerances to foods that I’d imbibed while away was probably at the root. My energies were diminishing, tutorial by tutorial. At such times, I reach towards an energy that lies beyond the body. My ‘performance’ at the 5.10 pm lecture felt like a fuelless car going down a steep-hill without breaks. But it worked.

6.30 pm: A collapse on the settee. 7.30 pm: Adminy things (again).

Some principles and observations derived from today’s engagements:

• Two paintings (a pair); two mountains; the weather features; a world made out of paint.
• Your maturation between 25 and 30 is far less significant than between 20 and 25.
• Rejoice to be the outsider (sometimes).
• What’s the spirit of the whole?
• Art channels wackiness.
• Think in terms of 12-finished works.
• You’re not lost. You just don’t want to be found.